Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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