Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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