True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
