i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
