Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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