dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
