Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
not ubering you a puppy
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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