I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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