I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
