insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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