I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.