Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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