I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
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Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
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Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...