I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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