he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
