I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
