margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
