We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
