Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
