Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
