He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
