I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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