omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
