That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
