i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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