I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We're too hungover to prance.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
