My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
