i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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