Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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