Michael Bay diarrhea
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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