it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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