Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
