actually, I'm a sock model
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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