In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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