haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You smell like stripper and shame
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
