I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
