I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
