She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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