ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He called his prostate his "boner button".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
