Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
