census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
