my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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