I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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