How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think people are normalizing furries
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
