I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
