I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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