just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
