it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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