I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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