Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
