I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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