Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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