I just threw up on my dentist
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
