dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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