A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
