I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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