she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
