I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
