the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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