What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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