got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you win again, gameday.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
