so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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