I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
