i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
