Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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