It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
