just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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