Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
